I wish I was strong enough

 to lift not one but both of us.

Don't you forget about me.

And with this I (may) say goodbye to this blog too.

The City that Never Sleeps

I have lived at about 15 different addresses in major cities of different countries. My accent is a little messed up because of that, haha. I have to keep switching accents depending on who I speak to, although my Australian accent is completely obliterated thanks to living in the States for four years now already. Now moving to the UK isn't going to make it any better on my already-weird accent.


As I get older, packing my bags and leaving to a new country excites me less and less - maybe I finally just want to settle down. My wanderlusting days may be coming to an end, perhaps after this one last big move. But then again, as someone wise said to me, our home is not this earth. We cannot make any of our addresses permanent, we are only traveling in it for a short amount of time before returning to where we truly belong. 


As I listen to Ruby by Foster the People, I somehow feel like the song is a little about me (songs have the amazing capability of doing that to ya) and that everything will be alright. I have God and he will always, always be with me til the end of my days, when I finally stop traversing this earth. That's a comforting thought, the only thing that keeps me constantly going.


Goodbye New York, and all its inhabitants. I didn't miss Kansas, Kuala Lumpur or Australia much when I left, in fact I couldn't wait to leave, but I'll truly miss this city that never sleeps.

10 Days

Tonight, as I spoke to my Lord sitting up (I usually talk to him in a sleeping position), crosslegged, he didn't exactly give me answers but gave me Peace. He's here, in me, around me, wherever I go and whatever I decide to do. I love that I have Him - it feel so safe and secure.

If I decide to leave in the next couple of days, I have only about a week left in the Big Apple. That's a scary thought. I always thought I'd have more time here somehow. And I know I'm always saying I hate New York because it's dirty, polluted and swamped with people everywhere but the UK will feel strangely clean and empty.

There's so many more places to see, and go here... I don't want to leave just yet. I need another month, but I can't...

I'm not prepared to leave. But I have to be. I have to be strong, like I always have been. Like I'm expected to be. And here I am breaking down. Sobbing like a child.

And that's okay. Because I have You in me. I can rest in Your arms.

YES TO CARROTS

So some of you may know that I'm an organic junkie. I love using organic products but somehow never got on the train of using them on my hair. My hair is super easy to take care of - I literally just wash and go, but lately it has been going through a dry spell. I'm not sure if it's because summer's here and perhaps it's taking a toll on ma' mane.

I don't like fussing over my hair - it's the one thing I'm very low maintenance about apart from my body, as in I don't slap on a thousand products on both my hair and body, I don't suffer from body acne or anything like that. It does fine with whatever I use so I kinda never give it love. I treat both very harshly, in fact. I find it painstaking to slather, exfoliate and moisturize, never spending more than 10 minutes in the shower. I really don't know why people take so long to shower! All you gotta do is put soap, splish splash - done! Anyway, today I took my time. I actually scrubbed and pampered myself, even sang a little song and did a little dance. Yeap. Still only took 13 minutes, haha. When you're feeling brave, you should tell me what you do in there for an hour, ladies.

Eventually the dry hair spell got to me. My ends were looking like straw so I got them snipped off. I also gave in to using organic shampoo and conditioner from the YES TO CARROTS/TOMATOES line. Sodium Lauryl/Laureth Sulfate or SLS found in most non-organic shampoos apparently strips the hair off its natural oils and is the same thing used in laundry detergent. They aren't that pricey at all, only a coupla bucks more than your usual Pantene. Better still, they are like 17oz bottles (translates to huge) and will last forever.

My hair is screaming for attention and I will give 'em some for now. When they behave again, maybe I'll go back to my old ways still continue using the YES TO CARROTS line :) 

The verdict? Shinier, healthier hair, more peace of mind not putting harsh stuff on my head. Woot!

I'm sold.

(btw I just bolded some words to make your reading easier, if you don't have the patience to read every word)

Blow me one last kiss.

I'm not one for pop songs, well not much anyway. I actually don't even really like this song but here's the first stanza for Pink's "Blow Me One Last Kiss". I just kinda randomly came across it.

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight 
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight 
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears 
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you 
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold, 
But there's nothing to grab so I let go. 

A Dog Story

Okay, first of all let me begin by saying I'm allergic to dogs.

So you can imagine that no dogs have been allowed near my side since I was really young. Growing up, I'm used to dogs being put outside of the house so my thinking was that dogs belong outdoors. I didn't even know there was a difference between indoor and outdoor dogs until yesterday, Some people may think this is ignorance, but I simply grew up in a different culture and I'm not a dog person. Me being allergic to them doesn't help either. 


I'd always thought that taking care of a dog is simple - as long as there's food, water, shelter, regular checkups and love, they will be fine as they're tough animals. But not so much anymore after an incident two days ago.

On another note, it amuses me that some Americans are such avid pet lovers that they'd freak out over an honest mistake - to the point where they don't even give you a chance to explain your side of the story, instead, assuming you're a horrible person who is blatantly irresponsible and cruel to animals.

That aside, I looked into the Bible to see if it says anything about dogs, and all pets/animals for that matter. Unfortunately not much is said except that we humans have dominion over all the creatures of the earth in Genesis and that dogs/animals don't go to heaven.

So let me end by saying that I don't hate dogs, because hating them is hating God's creation, but I just prefer not to take care of one. Except maybe a Husky, which I know involves a lot of work. I should start with taking care of a fish first. 

The Help

Today I feel like an absolute failure. I have no job, I'm not sure what my future is going to look like, I lost a dog I was supposed to take care of (left him outside thinking he'd be okay on his own with food and water, only to find out it's "animal cruelty" to leave him out here all day long), I don't know what to do regarding my living situation, I just don't know a lot of things.


I'm tired, God, I'm tired.


Help.

Flatlining.

Since graduating 3 weeks ago from my Masters, I have been in some kind of a plateau state - in both the academic sense and in general. Since I'm so used to my academic world dictating my life for the past couple of years (e.g. I had no reservations of packing my bags and moving to New York for school 2 years ago, besides me being certain it was under God's direction) I now am, for the lack of a better word, at utter lost.

Call it a quarter-life crisis, or whatever else they call it these days. There are some nights I feel like giving up Psychology altogether, and going into Music like I had originally wanted. Then there are some where I feel like pressing on and bearing through this flat-line stage - I know it will pass. I do miss the comfort of college, having assignments to do and doing them well, having a schedule all laid out for me but hey this is God telling me to rely on him one day at a time, and stop relying on my humanly strength.And with God on my side, what do I have to fear? 


Deciding the next big stage in life is not an easy feat, but it isn't impossible either if we submit to what God intends for us to do. I know not everyone goes through this plateau state, there are some who are blessed in already knowing what comes next. But that isn't the point either, if God wills this for me then I will go through it and come out of it loving Him all the more. 

Is this goodbye?

My stint in New York may be coming to an end, as soon as a month from now. And I already miss it. Two years ago I wouldn't have but I've come to appreciate it of late.

The Hunger Pains.

"Eat me, I'm delicious," says the Kebab.

Everytime after finishing my dance classes, I get ravenous. I'd gobble food up like an ogre. Today I was just putting food down my throat at 11.30pm at night (that's when the classes end) - hotdogs, kebabs, pringles, sugary drinks............. Then again, I'm not one to diet. I hate dieting and I just eat whatever I want, whenever I want like a boss.

Maybe I ought to check up on my seemingly bottomless stummy.

Doppelgangers

Ever had that moment when you see someone, but you're not sure if it is them or not, so you don't say anything and neither do they? You catch them looking at you, and you do your own double takes, but at the end of the night you're so glad you kept your mouth shut because IT'S NOT THEM AFTER ALL.

Phew.

On a good day

I eat breakfast - hey it's easy to forget
I finish my homework - well it's not so fun doing
I crack a few jokes - takes effort in being sociable
I wash the dishes - not my favorite thing to do
I tidy up my dance choreography
I feel close to God
And I eat 3 slices of cheesecake.

Call me crazy.

I'm on a crazy streak lately, maybe it's all bottled up inside and I just need to let it come out and play once in a while! I got this gorgeous blue clip on hair extension. Just one piece. Looks good against my dyed jet black hair, so I think anyway. It's clip in, so no commitments. Sephora has other colors but I only like the blue one, the others are a little overboard for me (and you're probably thinking "like this isn't overboard enough"). But really, this really isn't THAT crazy. I've had real extensions before, the kind that is glued to my hair. This is nothing :)

Swing Dancing

First time I swing danced with strangers today.
First time I swing danced at all.
How was it?
Let's just say I do better at hip hop.

Mind Bokeh/Vignetting the Compost

Both nice albums. I deserve to listen to mindless tunes after 2 straight days of job applications.

Easter baby.

So it's my birthday today :)
Which means God has been taking care of me for 23 years.
Tomorrow He rises, and I'll (or Mary Magdalene rather) be the first to discover that He's alive. Woot!
Kinda perfect that I'm named Magdalene dontchathink?

Nyeh nyeh nyeh.

I'm not sure about a lot of things, like what's the next step of my life
but I'm starting to be at peace with the fact that I don't know what's next.
As long as God is my one constant thing, I'll surely be fine.

Jesus, please don't weep.

I'm sorry I helped crucify you.

Let's talk thongs.

Not the underwear variety, but I mean flip flops.

Flip flops are my staple come summer. The kind I like is simple, and narrow at the toe area. I, being the cheapskate that I am, have always opted for $2 flip flops that can be found in Old Navy stores. However they are highly unconfortable, cuts into my skin and always leave striation marks (from it digging into my skin). At the end of summer, my feet usually looks like it's been through war.

I usually just ignore it and continue to wear them the next summer around. But this year, my body is showing signs of wear and tear. Yes, not even 23 and I have the body of a 50-year-old. My hips have been hurting a lot, my lower back occasionally too. My pelvis gets stiff and suffers from bouts of agony too.

It is time to do something about it. It was hard to justify spending $18 on a pair of flip flops (and this is after a 25% discount), but that's what I did. The whole time I kept thinking, "I could buy a dress with that money and keep using my lousy thongs!" (like that is going to help my back and hips at all). For me, flip flops are petty things that should not cost more than a couple of bucks. Eyes averted from the screen, I quickly pressed "Place Order" before I changed my mind.

Well my REEF Ginger thongs arrived today. And it's worth every last bit of the $18 bucks I spent on it. It has a wonderful arch support that my hips will thank me for. It's so soft, yet sturdy. Its tag even says that it's "ridiculously comfortable". Reviews online say it lasts for 3 years, and that's good enough for me. It is simple, and just how I like it. Bonus - these make my feet look dainty.

I'm sold to pricey  but good-for-body thongs.

Back off, witch.

Keep your grubby paws to yourself, youngling.

Sometimes I wanna shout at you

for replying me a little late.
Sometimes I wanna cry with you.
Sometimes I don't wanna talk to you,
Give you the silent treatment, like that ever works.
But most times I just wanna love you,
Father.

I came with a smash

and I'll be leaving with a bang.

Washington DC

The only view I've ever gotten of DC is from the back of a taxi cab for 20 minutes.

Can I just say

I'm glad I'm a good test taker?

Meaning that, I memorize fast and well. Boasting in the Lord, boasting in the Lord *wink*. Why am I saying this? I have to sit for the GRE's at the end of the year and I'm really anxious for it. But what helps in keeping me calm until October is that I know I will do well. If I didn't know this, I'd be a nervous wreck. Sometimes being confident in your abilities takes a load off your shoulders.

Commitment Phobic Me

I didn't use to be afraid of commitments but for the whole of 2011 and for much of 2012, I was. Scared of being tied down - to the wrong person. But today I can really say, that I am one step closer to being committed wholly to the same person. I forgot how charming he is, how gentle, and how strong he can be in tough situations. I know how much he loves our Father, and how far he'd go for me.

I'm glad I remembered.

The Great Race

We once ran a marathon

Chasing with valor across four acres
of just-rained-on grass. 

Wind beating our fallen faces,
we never stopped to look back.

Clad in iron shoes, our steps were heavy

Here, now, here's the finish line.

We both lost The Great Race, but 

there isn't another soul I'd have stopped
to untie my shoelaces for.

I'm a Robin Scherbatsky

and you're a Ted Mosby.

Does God see our tears and pretend He never saw?

Yesterday seems so faraway.

Yesterday I was worrying about petty things and now, bigger issues have come my way. Mom called out of the blue and told me Dad said to apply for PhD programs for next year. I was thinking about it myself, and didn't take up on it earlier because I thought I was going home to work for a couple of years to get enough moolah to put myself through 5 years of PhD.

Honestly, I'm afraid.
I've made it this far, yes. And I know I'm good, but I'm afraid I won't be good enough for a school to take me in, and not only that - to fund me, at least partially. I don't know how or where the money for it is going to come from, and this is a good time to come from a rich family, which I obviously don't. I have to start studying for GRE's and that is already making me real anxious. I won't rest until the exam ends, and that's not until October.

I've been preparing to go home for awhile, and now this? I have to re-align my mind and get ready for what may come. Problem is, sometimes you just don't know what's next to mentally prepare for it. I guess I'm miffed, but how can I be with the little that my mind can understand?

GOD, this is your entrance cue.
And seriously, what are you up to?
Show me. Please.

Thump thump thump

is the sound of mankind's feet
walking all over me.

I pledge to go green

for life.

Green as in earth-loving, that is.

In the products I use and the way I use them.
I've been an organic junkie for awhile now actually :)

Conscientiousness

Photo by m0thyyku

isn't always a good thing on its own.
It makes us do things we might regret, even if it's really an innocent thing.
It could debilitate you sometimes, when you care too much about your Work.
I do think working hard is honoring God too, but sometimes it takes over.
That's why we need to be reminded that our life on earth is temporary.
That there's something bigger to look forward to than what we know Here.
That the first thing I should be conscientious about is obeying and loving Him.
And everything else will flow from there, and that includes Work.

Anaphylactic Shock?

My body has minor hives and my upper lips started to swell all of a sudden :(

Isle of Manhattan

Photo by sp1te

I'll be leaving you 

for another hotshot island.
I'll come back in a few
if you let me.

Lunch at Spice

Taken at Spice, Union Square NY

$7.50 for this and an entree is kinda cheap for a city price.
To the right is my staple drink at any Thai restaurant - thai ice tea.

The Weekender

I found this while walking around in Urban Outfitters for only $9.99. I had to ask two salesgirls if that's the right price, finally asking if there's something wrong with it. They told me that some watches are sold online only and when customers bring it in to the store to return/exchange, they sell it off for a cheaper price. In this case, a whole lot cheaper. Timex usually sells for around the $60 (after tax) mark and goes upwards from there price-wise, so I grabbed this without much thought. I have wanted a big/heavy watch for a couple of years now, but hesitated to buy whenever I see one because the ones I've seen are too bling-bling, and I can't justify spending on a watch at the moment, especially when I have three already. 

Before you gasp, the first watch I own was a gift from my dad four years ago, another was $10 from Target, and the last one was $7 from a flea market. Also, they are not 'big watches'. They all have slim bracelets and are very ladylike. So this is where the Timex Weekender comes in. I try to hold off spending whenever I can, until I see a really good deal like this one. I like the metal bracelet since I don't need to worry about getting it wet unlike leather straps. This watch is really one of the best things I've bought that's actually worth it in a long time. I have to say, I seem to find some of the best things when I'm not looking for it, Jesus included.

Funniest quote of the day goes to:

"The toothpaste cannot be squeezed back into the tube."

The first thing she does every morning

is pour oil on her hair.

I liked it better when you were Cassius Clay.

The Plaid Collector.

And he walks just in time for the camera :) This picture is not taken by me

Did I tell you I love plaid? No? Okay well I'm telling you now. I've loved them since my highschool summer dress and winter kilt was plaid. Yep, we had to wear a kilt. No kidding.

Did I tell you I love vintage? YES and I'll say it again - I love it.

So what happens when the two collides? Major love! :)

I stumbled upon a cute little shop down Clinton St on the Lower East Side of Manhattan today, and was drawn by their $10 SALE sign outside. I sifted through the rack and finally bought 2 plaid items, ten bucks each. What a steal. I asked the salesgirl where do they get the clothes from (cos little shops like these normally get their clothes from all over), and she said most of them are vintage. My eyes literally lit up. The shop (pictured above) is called Live Fast NYC, and has a distinct rock n roll, punky Brooklyn vibe to it. I wouldn't normally venture into a shop like that, most of their stuff is not my style (they sell eyeball hairclips).

Anyway so now I have another plaid shirt to add to my collection! What's not to love about them? They're so comfy, hangs just loose enough for my liking, so easy to wear, no brains needed. Okthankyoubye.

Long Island, here I cometh.

Rattley Rattle Tattle

Whattt in the worlddd is going on in my roomie's room?
I hear these strange rattling noise every night.
Taking a maracas class? Rattle snake pet?

Backup Generators

Why do those words sound scary to me right now more than watching The Woman in Black (and I always scare myself watching scary movies)? No real clue but my guess is because of what it stands for - like impending danger maybe?

Only today I saw New York for its prettiness. 

Before, I thought it was overrated. I'd scoff when people say "I wish I lived there". Frankly, I still think it's overrated but today I appreciate it a little more for what it has to offer. Here's some pictures taken during my little outing today. P/S: These are really MY pictures! 

Lunch at Spumoni Gardens, Brooklyn

Near Ikea Ferry, Brooklyn

View of sea atop ferry heading to Manhattan

Manhattan skyscrapers

As I was contemplating my decision to move back for a couple of year in May, I suddenly felt a pang of sadness. I thought I'd be okay leaving this city (I'm always dissing about how dirty and polluted it is, how I never really feel safe around here, etc.) but as the days go by and time runs out, I'm not so sure anymore about how I feel. I'm sure of my decision, but not the way I feel about it (yes, there's a difference).

Just when I felt all alone in my decision-making, Jesus assured me it's alright. He popped a song in my head out of nowhere, Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park (of all bands!), and I was soothed by the words of the song. The same sun that sets down in New York will do the same for me back home. 

The Colors of the Clothes in my Closet

...are boring, at a glance.

Classic. Classy. Potentially boring at times.

They are mostly in shades of black, grey, nude/camel, brown, deep red, military green and navy blue.

Crazy colors!

All the sunshiney, happy colors are missing. For one, I dislike the color purple. I mean, yeah, I do like neutrals and they're easy to pull off without much thought but lately I've been craving for some color, especially the retro carefree colors of the 70's. I'm also drawn to the the free spirit of the bohemian era, with flowy long maxi's and headbands. This is a bad picture but you get the point.

Yeah I know, bad picture

Two lovely retro ladies

After thinking about it for a little while more, the colors of clothes in my closet, at different times, mirror my then-character very closely. 5 years ago my closet was filled with mostly random, useless articles that I seem to have bought in my sleep– I was 17 and careless. 3 years ago I started to wear more basics and neutrals –I liked the simple sophistication and ease of wearing them. Now, I like to incorporate different pieces and textures, colors that when combined still look serious enough yet a tad playful –I’m letting my hair down at age 23.

How yummy and cute are these colors? Picture by Darling Dovecote

At the end of the day, I like versatility so sure, there will be days I'd wanna to stick to my boring neutrals and pastels since I feel at home in them. Then there'll be days you'll catch me in bizarre colors and queer get-ups. Nothing too strange or Lady Gaga-esque I'm afraid :) I'm not so much looking to suddenly turn my wardrobe inside out, it's just that I'd like some color and playful choices in it too.

I just want to be quiet today,

tomorrow,
the next day,
and the day after next.

Pigeons are scary birds.

They have beaks, wings and claws I don't.

They sure can crap on you too.

Photo found on Google search by Ayman*

Adorkable.

Brokelyn.com

This site is so cute, check it out (I learnt that Brooklyn is world’s 5th most expensive place for clothes only today!).
Pity I'm possibly moving away from my favorite borough soon. To guess where?
Lhong Irland.
Okay it's not spelt that way but that's how I like to say it :)

Class of 2012

On the 31st of May, I get to wear a funny hat. Colorful too.

When I Grow Up

My dad actually said "When you grow up, ............." in one of our conversations before I flew back here from a short vacay. Not in a condescending way, but he meant when I begin to work. Because now I don’t you see. Never really had a real job.

And I’ve always felt like I’ve never grown up. Constantly being around people older than me is one of the reasons I feel that way. I skipped two grades in school, and have friends who are mostly older. A youngling wherever I go. 

I’m planning to return Home to work after I graduate from my program this May. This little girl is taking itty bitty steps to finally “growing up”. 

The Art of Saying No

What a nice title for my future book of poems. Ahem. That's if I ever finish writing enough. And if it's good enough for publication.

Why this title? Well. It's hard for me to say no. Such a people pleaser, pfft. Then there are times I lash and speak out. Some people know me by my fierce mouth and others as someone easily walked over by. Which one am I really? Buy my future book to find out. Just kidding. No really :)

I guess I can't even tell myself. I don't even know if I am an introvert or an extrovert. I'd like to think that I'm on a continuum, that nothing is black and white. There will be times I want to be around people, be loud and there will be times when I just don't want to see anyone, preferring to drown in my own solace and thoughts

So erratic you say? Aren't most writers erratic? :)

Real?

Yes.

I need you too.

I had always thought my little sister needed me more than I did her. She is always asking me to be around her - she would want me to sleep beside her, eat next to her, listen to her play the piano, even sit outside the bathroom while she bathes. Knowing she misses me since we only see each other once a year, I would oblige.

Each night we would ‘play’ (talk, laugh, and do other forbidden things like giving her sweets to eat when Mother specifically said not to) and on the days we could not play she would go to bed sad. So when yesterday she told me go to sleep when I wanted to ‘play’ because she was tired, I realized I needed her just as much as she did me.

dervish

der·vish  (dûr'vish)

n.

1. A member of any of various Muslim ascetic orders, some of which perform whirling dances and vigorous chanting as acts of ecstatic devotion.

2. One that possesses abundant, often frenzied energy: "[She] is a dervish of unfocused energy, an accident about to happen"

We are different, and for that we are the same.

She and I couldn't be more different. She prefers Celine Dion and fellow crooners but I cannot stand those kinds of songs. She's rather comfortable with emotions and sappiness (so to speak); I cringe just at the thought of it. She has no problems calling me her 'bestie' openly to those she knows, but I still have difficulty uttering those words for God-knows-what reasons. I love my spicy food but she can't tolerate them. She's tall, I'm short. Even our taste in clothes differ. We have different ways in looking at problems and how to go about solving them. We're also attracted to different kinds of guys: She likes those who are extroverted romantics, I lean towards the silent but strong types. She likes talking over the phone, I prefer texting. She sings like an angel, I sing like Mickey Mouse. The differences go on and on.

But somehow we gel together - a somewhat incompatible but inseparable duo. Perhaps because we accept our differences and make the most of it, not trying to be the same. And for that, we're the same.

Here's to my best friend, whom I've come to *clears throat* love over the many years of our friendship.

Why are you and I so surprised

to find out that this is how and who I really am?

"Magdalene, what are you doing?"

A question I can't should ask myself more.

I don't want to lose sight

of what I already cannot see.